Monday, January 24, 2011

Dear BigRedCat...

It's been 2 years.
Still surreal.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
that I don't miss you
that I don't love you.
I'm trying to live my life with laughter and joy
but sometimes it gets so hard.
It's those moments when the silence creeps in that are hardest to bear.
I can't handle them yet.

I don't know if I ever will.

I hate that my life has had to become one without you.
One moment, I was on the precipice to happiness.
The next, I was shoved into the bleakest state of reality.
And here I live, floundering about.

I miss your love.
The way you looked at me,
like I was special,
Like I was...

I'm so sorry.
So very sorry for any moment I didn't make you happy.
So very sorry when my selfishness got in the way of us.
So very sorry if I wasn't what you wanted, needed.
Just so very sorry.
I should have been better to you, for you.

I feel so impotent now.

And I'm not OK,
I'm not fine with this.
But do I have any choice in the matter?

I hate being "Strong"
I hate being "Happy"
It's so tiring.

I'm so tired.

I just want what I can't have.

So where does that leave me now?


Chandrama said...

Simple words with pure pain. I hate saying its beautiful. Its like encouraging your pain.
You write well. Keep the simplicity of words intact.

Haritha said...

simple and sweet:)
loved it

Vesuvian Woman said...

Your poem made my eyes well... I know there'e is nothing you haven't heard at this point, but you're amazing! So many people love you and you have a resolve that can't be bought or fabricated. Chin up!

PS, The cutie-pie at work will get over thinking you're scary crazy. She will quietly evolve into respecting your crazy confidence!