Monday, July 6, 2009

New Title...Same Goal

Kay, so it's coming on to 6 months.
Crazy how time flies, huh?
Life is hard and so unfair sometimes.
We all complain about all our hardships and our struggles.
But I don't want to do that anymore.
I don't want to focus on the crap that we are given.
Yesterday, as I sat outside in the hot balmy air
watching the night sky light up with all the
colors of the rainbow in honor of our country's Independence,
I decided to liberate myself.
These past 6 months have been a prison
in which I so desperately wanted to dwell and disappear.

Do you wake up in the morning and need help to lift your head?
Do you read obituaries and feel jealous of the dead?

It's like living on a cliff side not knowing when you'll dive.

Do you know, do you know what it's like to die alive?

When the world that once had color fades to white and gray and black.

When tomorrow terrifies you, but you'll die if you look back.

You don't know.

I know you don't know.

You say that you're hurting, it sure doesn't show.

You don't know.

It lays me so low.
When you say let go, but I say you don't know.
The sensation that you're screaming, but you never make a sound.

Or the feeling that you're falling, but you never hit the ground.

It just keeps on rushing at you day by day by day by day.

You don't know, you don't know what it's like to live that way.

Like a refugee, a fugitive, forever on the run.

If it gets me it will kill me, but I don't know what I've done.

-Next to Normal:Brian Yorkey/Tom Kitt

The future is like a great massive abyss.
And is scares the hell out of me.
I feel like I am standing at the precipice of Life
and everyone is behind me, nudging me forward, crowding me...
I know I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other,
but I don't think I'm ready to take the leap.
I just want to stay in this moment a little bit longer.
But the problem is that this moment is not
the happiest moment I could have hoped for.
In fact, it downright sucks.
But it is my moment.
So I will make it happy.
With all the little things this world has to offer.
I will continue to be the girl that makes a wish on the first evening star,
the girl who loves to blow on a dandelion
and send the fluff floating into the world,
the girl who devours romance novels and firmly believes they are non-fiction.
The happiest moments in my 29 years of Life have been with Matt.
I will find my Happiness again:
in Watermelon painted toes
a new book
singing at the top of my lungs (off-key)
getting a Degree
new shoes
playing with Kate's puppy
Rock Band
maybe writing?
I will find my Matt again.

So let's begin this Odyssey down the Yellow Brick Road.
Let's find the Wizard.


4 comments:

Lola....L..O..L..A....lo--oh--luh! said...

Big Hug and Kiss! Dorothy, you are amazing! There is joy in the journey..I know you'll find it!

Kate and Clark said...

you can always play with mazie ( you're her aunt too!)
this song, I listened to in the car the other day, made me think of you.....

MY WISH
by: Rascal Flatts

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

NJoy said...

You are an absolute treasure. Thank you for your strength it is an inspiration to me...even though I know you don't mean to be.

I love you.

Allyson & Jere said...

Man I just love you. Thank you for always inspiring me, even if you don't know it. Keep truckin sister, you WILL find it.